Lewis Hamilton's pork scratchings? – F1 2024's craziest predictions

F1 2024: can it be less dreary than 2023? The bar is low – or high, we’re not quite sure.

Supported by a bland online TV series covering a contest which is essentially Marvel hero movie star Lewis Hamilton vs 19 boring PE teachers, the world championship (which doesn’t go to Africa but does include four visits to the Middle East) has somehow got to avoid being totally obliterated by Max Verstappen again.

Who will get the chop for driving too slowly at 220mph? Which horrifying venue will F1 announce next? What’s the next petty inter-team-row-escalated-to-WWIII-terminology going to be?

We analyse everything that probably won’t happen in 2024 below.

 

Lewis Hamilton tells the world he is now ‘steak-based’

In a long series of Instagram stories, which are added to a highlight reel labelled with emojis depicting a cow, a steak and a smiley face licking its lips respectively, Lewis ‘Still I Whine’ Hamilton tells the world he is finally returning to being the “real me” by renouncing veganism and diving head first back into the chicken nuggets.

“I’m no longer going to drink those frickin’ awful vegan protein shakes, or anything else green!” he says, adding “Have you smelt those beaker shake things if you don’t wash them up within 0.5sec?”

The seven-time world champ simultaneously announces a new multi-billion-pound pork scratchings endorsement deal with Black Country Snacks, whose logo includes a chequered flag pattern – how very convenient.

 

Verstappen promises to “lighten up a bit”

Three-time world champion grump Max Verstappen finally admits he’s bringing the mood down a bit, and promises not to be a 200mph miserable sod anymore.

“I’ve decided to pack in the moaning about being paid millions of pounds a year to drive the world’s fastest racing car – particularly at the new showpiece event of the world championship that gives me a living,” he says in an arresting show of humility.

“I’ll also stop being so touchy whenever anyone mentions the fact that I won my first title in highly controversial circumstances. To be fair, Lewis did deserve it on the day in Abu Dhabi 2021. I’m not giving him the championship back though.”

Christian Horner and Helmut Marko begin to wonder whether they should have stuck with Dan “Latifi is Poo” Ticktum after all.

 

Mohammed ‘Must Be Seen’ Ben Sulayem agrees to naff off

The man to whom the phrase ‘light touch’ is an anathema, and has got involved in everything from which teams F1 lets in to Lewis Hamilton’s earring, suddenly sees the light and realises he’s making a massive twit of himself.

“I’ve decided to take a leaf out of mini-Napoleon’s book [Jean Todt], back off and let people who actually know what they’re doing get on with it,” says the FIA President.

 

Logan Sargeant becomes first American to ‘podium’ (eurgh) in three decades and calls out everyone who doubted him

Following in the startlingly mediocre footsteps of Michael Andretti, Logan Sargeant uses his none-more-slippy Williams to score a podium at Monza (the easiest track) three decades on.

Then in an instant shrugging off of his reputation as history’s most boring F1 driver, he calls out everyone who doubted him in the post-race interviews to a surprised Benjamin Cumberbatch.

“You thought I was going to go the way of Nicholas Latifi [How is this the second mention of that guy in this article? Ed.] quitting F1 and helping to maintain my family’s insanely rich and powerful business [Sargeant Trading]!” he exclaims, before adding “I’m actually going to just do that later.”

The jury is still out though on whether the Floridian’s driving skill would actually be more suited to the vehicles his family firm presides over – the world’s largest fleet of asphalt tankers and barges.

 

Myanmar Grand Prix announced

Carrying on Liberty’s plan of expanding F1 into a ‘real’ world championship (of the worst places on the planet), the series announces it’s going to airlift all the abandoned grandstands from the stillborn Vietnam GP (using Aramco carbon-captured fuel, don’t worry) and plop them straight into another champion of human rights, Myanmar.

Though the proposed 2025 race will be held in South East Asia, for sponsorship reasons the event will actually be called Saudi GP II ARAMCO 500.

The circuit proves to be even more hair-raising than Jeddah, with track designer Tilke saying “This is what the people [whoever they are] want.”

F1 CEO Stefano Domenicali defends the championship racing in yet another country with an appalling human rights record saying, helpfully, “We’re here to help.”

Rumours swirl of a mooted 2026 Heineken Rolex Xinjiang GP too.

 

Lawrence Stroll sacks off his son at last and replaces him with Yuki Tsunoda

Lance Stroll’s descent into spoilt, moody backmarker (having previously been a spoilt, moody midfielder) means that dad Lawrence is left with no choice but to replace him midseason with a far more reliable bet: Yuki Tsunoda.

Future engine supplier Honda is very keen in getting a Japanese firebrand in the car, but that’s not what swung it, according to Lawrence:

“Lance is making us look so bad, even I could do better – and I can’t even fit in the car,” he says. “I know he’s my son and everything, but he’s not even worth it.

“He’s now free to do whatever he does in his spare time, all those extreme winter snow sports. I don’t know, curling?”

 

Domenicali and co let Andretti in – sort of

F1, Liberty and smiling assassin Stefano Domenicali finally agree to let an 11th team into F1 – Dacia Grand Prix.

To stop Michael Andretti mouthing off (i.e. saying it how it is) about how greedy F1 is and is no longer the (kind of) meritocratic sport it once was, he’s offered a ceremonial management role at the new team – a bit similar to Britain’s deputy prime minister Oliver Dowden (yes, we had to look him up as well.)

When Alpine vice chairman Bruno Famin is questioned on the wisdom of Renault now having not one but two brands no one cares about in F1, he says “Don’t doubt our management approach,” to a sea of onlookers filled with doubt.

At least James Vowles is forced to reel in his cringeworthy sob story about the financial pressure Williams is under, a team literally bankrolled by a mind-bogglingly wealthy private investment fund.