As usual, F1 delivered at its first race of 2024 in Bahrain. No, not the on-track action. That’s not what grand prix ‘racing’ is about.

It’s the paddock squabbles, rumours and meltdowns where the real action occurs for a series that now gives off strong ‘LinkedIn-on-wheels’ vibrations. Let’s not get precious – we’re all here for it (the delicious intrigue, not LinkedIn).

Conversely, IndyCar probably has the best racing in the world, but its paddock atmosphere looks akin to a ballbearings convention.

Meanwhile, the world championship’s dominant team looks intent on destroying itself from the inside, one of its most historic competitors appears to be going in reverse at 200mph and the smallest driver on the grid throws the biggest tantrums when things don’t go his way.

Here’s what was going up and down at Sakhir.

Goin’ Down

Red Bull’s PR department

Just when Milton Keynes’ story-quashing email senders thought it couldn’t get any worse in Horner-gate, the final boss appears – i.e. Jos the Boss i.e. Jos Verstappen – the dad of its world champion driver, who looks like he’s stepped straight out of a ’90s Grolsch advert.

After team boss Christian Horner’s alleged misdemeanours, the story that simply refuses to go away despite a private hearing apparently clearing him, now Verstappen’s old man has waded in by taking a leaf out of the Helmut Marko diplomacy handbook – delighting all at Red Bull, we’re sure.

“There is tension here while he remains in position,” he told The Daily Mail.

“The team is in danger of being torn apart. It can’t go on the way it is. It will explode. He is playing the victim, when he is the one causing the problems.”

How long can an intra-team atmosphere more toxic than a can of the fizzy stuff continue?

Alpine goes full Lola Mastercard 

Alpine has now been reduced to levels of ridicule even the most sophisticated F1 modelling software couldn’t have predicted.

Its new 2024 car was supposed to be a game-changing dynamo. However, after being “resolutely slowest” and qualifying back of the grid in Bahrain, latest team principal Bruno Famin seems have successfully transitioned Enstone into what is known in football fan parlance as the archetypal “banter club”.

After sacking Otmar Szafnauer last year, it’s now reported that technical director Matt Harman and head of aerodynamics Dirk de Beer have proffered their resignations too after producing a car which is both overweight and lacking aerodynamic grip. And it looks rubbish, too.

It was topped off by the muted caption from Alpine on Bruno Famin’s slightly sheepish social media debrief, in sharp contrast to the bullish words when he fired Otmar out of the Alpine cannon – even the admins can’t bring themselves to summon the motivational emojis:

Debriefing this weekend’s #BahrainGP with Team Principal, Bruno Famin. pic.twitter.com/XcMHOwlg8u

— BWT Alpine F1 Team (@AlpineF1Team) March 2, 2024

Great Haas traditions

Wouldn’t be a Haas F1 race if a star qualifying lap – brilliantly delivered by Nico Hülkenberg to put him in Q3 – wasn’t squandered in the first corner.

The Hulk managed to rear-end the hapless Lance Stroll into Turn 1, doubtless pleasing owner Gene Haas no-end. Hope new team boss Ayao Komatsu knows what he’s let himself in for.

Merc-y waters

Thought the new Mercedes was supposed to be more raceable? Russell faded and Hamilton went nowhere after overzealous set-up changes and alterations to the engine cooling.

The ease with which Verstappen won suggests it could be a long season at Brackley.

Sargeant major mess-up

Another race, another Sargeant off.

Goin’ Up

Sarky Tsunoda

Yuki Tsunoda’s incandescent radio comments after being told to move aside for Daniel Ricciardo were a rare cockle-warmer in a race devoid of excitement – a nice strike back against the opinion piece morality police: ‘What Tsunoda needs to do…’ etc, yawn.

Probably went a bit too far with that kamikaze divebomb post-race though. Rein it in Yuki – slightly.

When Saturday comes

At least we got it out the way early. After the inevitable Verstappen trouncing on the Saturday, you can now enjoy your football team losing the late Sunday afternoon kick-off instead.

Same again next week.

Watch that Stroller

After getting nerfed by the hopeless Haas at Turn 1, Lance Stroll actually drove – mumur it – a good race to scoop up a point.