Helmut Marko's replacement found? Up, down at F1 Saudi GP '24

Ah yes, from one human rights-oppressing nation to another.

F1‘s early season tour of Amnesty International’s ‘AVOID!!!’ list continued with a short hop from Bahrain (“prisoners were tortured”) to Saudi Arabia (“courts resorted to the death penalty following grossly unfair trials“), at a race venue made possible by the forced eviction of thousands of residents to make way for the grand prix paddock club – We Race as One Bulldozing Home Destroyer etc.

Don’t worry though, the world championship won’t be visiting another Despot Drome until Round 5, when the world championship hits a country which, during its absence from the calendar in recent years, has kept itself busy with some serious ethnic cleansing. Lots to look forward to then.

Luckily, F1’s virtuous goodwill tour will sort things out, a shining example of morality, kindness and… oh, wait a second!

Horner-gate has so far had more twists and turns than the Corniche-side circuit itself, the latest plot-spinner being that the dark lord himself Helmut Marko admitted he may soon be suspended, implying heavily that the junior driver terroriser might have been part of the slightly underwhelming Whatsapp message leak designed to make the whole affair run on and on.

Previously righteous Toto Wolff then waded in by suggesting he’d happily bring Marko in from the potential cold to fill Mercedes’ ‘cranky Austrian ex-racing driver’ vacancy if it meant securing Marko’s loyal protege Max Verstappen too. Wild.

Carlos Sainz appendix then nearly exploded, Ferrari had to draft in a lad who looks like he should be sweating over his Design Technology BTEC and the FIA president ran into yet another controversy.

It was all going up and down in Jeddah.

Goin’ down

Suck it up

Jeddah looked like it had almost as many plastic bags floating around as it did fans in attendance, eagerly hoovered up by F1 cars as they sped round.

"It's like Mario Kart! There's like plastic bags everywhere" 📺

Charles Leclerc picks up TWO bin bags on his flying lap 🚮 pic.twitter.com/88XWmmU1wP

— Sky Sports F1 (@SkySportsF1) March 7, 2024

The Prez

Current FIA President Must Be Seen has run into so much trouble during his tenure he makes Max Mosley’s dubiously-themed orgy, which was covered in excruciating detail by the red tops, look like a minor irritation.

The recent investigations into alleged race meddling and the Las Vegas event adds to a long, long list of gaffes – almost too much to go into. Ah hang on, here it is!

Overkill

It was hardly a surprise that Doriane Pin obliterated the field on her F1 Academy debut. She’s a podium finisher in the now-defunct (until Le Mans) WEC LMP2 category, cited by some during its running as the most competitive racing category in the world.

The stewards then did their best to dampen the party by penalising Pin for going to fast on the warm-down lap at the end of her second drubbing, a 20sec penalty therefore promoting Abbi Pulling to the win instead.

F1 and the FIA sure know how to bring everyone down a peg.

Stake out

Stake. Kick. Sauber. What are they called? Who cares. Another dire showing by, err, “not your grandad’s F1 team” as we were told at the squad’s bemusing snot-green relaunch.

Thank God Andretti isn’t joining, though.

Goin’ up

The Special F1

Acclaimed football manager José Mourinho, present on the grid in Saudi, gave a typically affable interview during Sky’s pre-race coverage (he saves his vitriol for the touchline/hapless journos).

The Portuguese coach said he’s in the market for a job. Could the unemployed used-to-be-Special-One be a replacement for under pressure ‘not-so-young-driver guru’ Helmut Marko?

His footballing philosophy – often trusting old warhorses rather than youth – fits in with Red Bull’s more recent approach of employing Perez and Ricciardo. The Portuguese manager also could also offer semi-useful advice on how to wheedle out non-compliant female employees.

Radio Gaga

After reaching the heady heights of… 10th… last week, Lance Stroll gave his beleaguered Aston Martin mechanics a much-needed reality checking by clipping one wall before then well and truly stuffing it in another early on.

This prompted a brilliant response from his engineer who asked if he could bring it back. It’ll rub out mate.

Lance Stroll on his radio after that big crash

“I hit the wall” – Lance

“Can you bring it back?” – race engineer

Wtf is that guy smoking 😂😂😂#F1 #SaudiaArabianGP

pic.twitter.com/1R9ncrbZi2

— Will Porter (@WillPorter93) March 9, 2024

Haas to be realistic

In the PR-ballooned world of F1, you gotta love a realist:

Starting the weekend as we don't mean to go on 🇸🇦

Here's how #FP1 finishes in Jeddah ⤵️#HaasF1 #SaudiArabianGP pic.twitter.com/BhoGW3VYBI

— MoneyGram Haas F1 Team (@HaasF1Team) March 7, 2024

200mph roadblock

Haas might have looked a bit down and out in FP1, but Kevin Magnussen solidified his position as world’s-second-fastest-wind-up-merchant (first is Fernando Alonso, obviously), by making his VF-24 wider than the North Jutland coastline to hold back his rivals.

The faster cars of Tsunoda, Albon and Ocon were all frustrated in their attempts to get by, as Magnussen allowed his team-mate ahead Nico Hülkenberg to pull out the gap he needed to make a stop after running 147 laps on his first set of tyres.

All for one sweet, sweet world championship point to The Hulk. Top work.

The Bear

Not much more to add to other’s ‘insight’ really. He did pretty well.

Dude there’s my car

Yet another heart-warming F1 tale. Over-priced supercar is finally recovered after being robbed off insanely rich F1 driver 30 years ago.

Gerhard Berger’s Ferrari F512M was, at long last, seized back by the authorities after being nicked from the Imola paddock in 1995, it has been reported.

Public money well-spent, we say.